Social Dread

One thing that puzzles and annoys me is a feeling of dread for social situations were I'm expected to appear as a confident and sociable person.

I vividly recall, particularly in my teens, sitting around or staring out of windows, trying to muster up the will to go to a disco, party or even a prize giving event were I was expected to receive a prize. A part of me wanted to go - and felt I ought to go - but another part had doubts and these doubts quickly grew into an overwhelming dread. While in this state I couldn't do much except wait for the time of the event to pass by. Strangely, even now, sometimes, when someone asks me out for a personal social event, often someone I like and would like to meet, the dread comes back and I have to let the opportunity slip by.

Even, recently, I painfully recall not be able to participate in a work colleague's birthday presentation. I was friendly with the handful of people involved but participating in this social occasion was impossible at that moment. I had to leave my office and wander about the streets killing time until the event had passed. I felt very bad because I knew my colleagues would think I was behaving in a very unfriendly manner and it might sour subsequent relations.

I think part of the social dread comes from negative experiences from past social encounters. I'm now thinking about an occasion when I willed myself to go to the house party of a friend. I was determined to try and work out a way to enjoy myself. I was thinking that if I turned up then maybe it could happen by accident. It didn't work out - but still I tried to keep up appearances and hoped no one noticed my struggle.

It was obvious to me that there was a lot of hidden social language happening that did not register on my social radar. I'm particularly referring to looks, eye contact, facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. I would like to have tried to attract some women I liked the look of and thought might have some interest in me if they just got to know me - but I really didn't have the knack or knowledge to make this happen.

I also now know that these situations caused me sensory overload. I mean, my mind and senses were overwhelmed by a combination of dim lighting, assorted noises, music, talking, smells and close body encounters. I quickly got tired and focused my mind on the best exit plan. I find leaving particularly difficult and it could take me some time to execute my plan. I was very happy to get away.

I hope to gain a better understanding and do a bit better in these situations in the future.

Paul