LET YOURSELF GO, SMETHURST !

Grey dawn seeps into your flat and you wake to a tattoo of raindrops,Smethurst ! Its Sunday 23 rd of December 2012 and there s hurtful reminders on the doormat On January 3rd 2013 you will be homeless .Shower and put on decent enough clothes.Even a tie .Breakfast and prepare to set out along the A 82 Hope that you are not stopped by the police You could buy a return to Tyndrum on the Citylink No that would complicate matters if you keep to your intentions Yes you would be very uncomfortable The passengers seats have been dumped In go all the extra blankets and a bottle of whisky in the boot at the front as well as the painkillers

You wince with every step ,Smethurst ! The geriatric 1972 Beetle starts and you leave Partick , and join the A 82 with its destination boards to all those hallowed places where you created yourself a man ,Smethurst in your university days Glasgow slips behind as you see a glimpse of white ahead on the Kilpatrick hills On you flow downriver to the Dumbarton bypass and so to Drumkinnon roundabout where you see Loch Lomond gunmetal grey and Ben Lomond with cloud obscuring its summit

You remember your first drive in the Beetle with Fiona MacArdle in the passenger seat,Oh how you feel an atom bomb going off in your brain ! She ran off with a burly rugby playing type from the Borders by the name of Brian Kelly after ditching you And then come flashbacks of all the other girls whom you took hillwalking CRAMP ,Smethurst CRAMP Pull into a layby and writhe Tuesday is Our Lord s Fucking Birthday and all Scotland is in lockdown

..Ralph will be living it up in Mombasa …or perhaps even arresting Somali pirates ! He will be told …about you …and what you have resolved to do ..The pain eases .On you drive past Inverbeg where you stayed in the long closed youth hostel during your first year at university …enchanted with the Highlands after your schooldays in that awful school for Officers Sons in Sussex

Tarbet No need to fill up here Careful where the road narrows .Inverarnan and the last glimpse of Loch Lomond A sharp flashback of a mountain hidden by cloud and Janice Blake with her ginger hair whom you took up there … .. Up Glen Falloch and over the top of the pass Cloud is down to five hundred and fifty on Ben More ahead but breaking to the east …Down the bank past Crianlarich Station and stop to watch a train crawl over the viaduct Walk as you always did across the boggy meadow and see Creag Liaragain clear of cloud –oh March 1982 the day you walked to the summit .Stride back to the car Try to be rational ,Smethurst

Since Albajet went bust you have been banging your head …against closed doors You had faithfully served the airline from its start till its collapse in 2008 For that you have been rejected out of hand when you applied for jobs in the travel industry You spent hundreds of pounds in fares to interviews You cut corners with such matters as car insurance and you were caught and convicted for doing what everybody has to do,,then the matter of what you earned on the side in one way or another just to keep alive And credit cards that got you lumbered with debt You are no more indebted than the average fellow Now your practices of having multiple accounts and switching funds and then of course moving from flat to flat in central Scotland when you fell behind with the rent-all your worldly goods stowed in the Beetle at dead of night – why Dougie Dawson did it all the time – and even Maggie Oakes that prim woman from the mailroom had to do it when her husband walked out on her Who was it who declared that an honest man steals from his family because he does not play the old game that was played since fucking Jesus Christ s day ? ….The fucking Christians rant on about honesty yet they are behind such iniquities as hiked up interest rates on credit cards ! Cramp abates On you go Smethurst !

Tyndrum .Fill up Pay cash Just £35 left in your wallet THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE LEFT ,Smethurst Now set off for the County March

Ben Dorain peeks through swirling stratus and you remember your photographs of it and from it that await collection by …Ralph ! or your nieces in Plymouth ! Empty Glen Auch invites your feet ..no you d better do as you intended A stroll along the West Highland Way Now its twinges in your knees Snowflakes tumble onto your bald head Hurry back and oh CRAMP smites so rub both thighs and bear left On through Tyndrum and wait for the lorry as you swing onto the abandoned oxbow of the A 82 and so to the far end by Auchtertyre Bridge as the day dies You stagger to the middle of the bridge and watch the cloud sink onto Ben More as dogwalkers spot the Beetle and one makes a remark that it is nt taxed Well it won t matter any more

Ralph will get to know about you before he wallows in indulgence at the taxpayers expense in stinking hot Mombasa And what will your nieces think about your life,Smethurst ! A pile of mountaintop snaps for them to keep all taken by their wicked atheist uncle who was DISLOYAL TO THE FAMILY for studying and working in Glasgow at the other end of Britain ! What lies has Ralph been saying to them about you ever since you failed to appear at their christening services ? What ship is he now serving on ? Was it named after a Roman god ? Him,Ralph,four years younger than you ! and he actually enjoyed that awful school …which Father had attended ..where you got into trouble for dodging Sunday Eucharist and hopping on and off buses to explore Sussex ! Ralph so word perfect at his prayers ! And when you leave this world will he scatter your ashes on the summit of Ben Dorain ? with a little plaque like the one on the craggy hill without a name …dedicated to one ,Ronald Harvey who would have been one of your contemporaries ?

Will you change your mind and drive back to Partick to become one of the beggars in the Glasgow streets ,or keep to your intentions ? It will serve Ralph right if it costs him a grand to dispose of you .so go ahead ,Smethurst and stick to your plan !Chill wind smites you so back to the car and prepare with all the things you brought and you have made up your mind Smethurst …to go …where ? Beyond ? Slip the gear lever into neutral Start the engine and heater Partake of those things that will ensure a good exit Slip into the sleeping bag close all the windows and let yourself go,Smethurst !

David Seagrave ,Dunfermline Library 21-12-2012